There's something inside of me that wants everything to be
perfect right now... Like if I think of it, it should become what I want it to
be the minute I think of it. Whether it's a clean house, a craft project, a
lesson plan, I want it right then & there, and done to perfection.
Sadly, there's another part of me in constant battle with
the first part. This other part knows
that perfection cannot be met. This part of me gets overwhelmed with all the
ideas that cannot be finished. This part of me often paralyzes me, keeping me
from getting anything done.
I feel that no one understands this part of me. They must
see it as laziness, flakiness, unreliability.
So already bathed in the fears of imperfection and incompletion, I cover
myself with a layer of guilt and the worry that I'm not enough-- that I can't
measure up. Then to top it all off I dress up in bitterness accessorized by a
sharp tongue. I do not feel good in this outfit & it makes my loved ones
miserable.
Why is it that no matter how much I plan or how hard I work,
something always seems to be left undone? Time is always running out, and I
always feel guilty about something that I didn't do?
Is it just me? Is it a mama thing? A woman thing?
I wonder if I'm the only one. Do the ladies I know, who appear
to have it all together, in truth wrestle with the same troubles?
I don't know but I don't think God wants me to live this
way. I know in my heart that His wish for me is that I'd break free from this
binding uncomfortable outfit, that I'd unravel this cloak of fear and guilt. My Father wishes that I'd do what His word says in Colossians 3, clothe myself "with
compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience," and over it all
to "put on love".
I know what He wants, yet even though I try to do His will,
I can't seem to shake free from my chains of doubt, weariness, and just
down-right stubbornness. Anybody else feel like this?
Times like these, when I'm feeling used up & not enough,
I need these words from Psalm 34:5, "Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame." It means everything to know
that if I keep my eyes on the Lord, I will be alright. Or when I just don't
want to do anything because I know I can't finish, I am motivated to keep
moving by these words from Galatians 6:9, "Let us not grow weary in doing
good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."
